Saturday, November 7, 2009

Note: This is gonna be a messy one.

I've been thinking a lot about what you said toinght.
About me telling you stuff that's bothering me.
But sometimes I feel that the things that are bothering me are so trival, they don't warrent any mention, cause I know I'll get over them soon.
Like, why must I tell you every single little thing that I feel,
I know we're close, and I know that you tell me almost everything,
But there're some things about me that I will never tell you, that you will never know about.
Isn't that why we're friends? To find out more about each other?
Even so, I'm not that simple a person, you can't know me for 3 months and then say that you know how I am, and that I'm not like that usually.
For all you know, I might be some emo freak that cuts myself every now and then just to make sure I bleed.
How can you be so sure that that is not who I really am?
I'm sorry that you're able to tell when I'm not okay, cause sometimes its just really minute things that bother me.
Like the fact that he keeps making you wait around for him.
Like you said, its none of my business even if he does make you wait.
But because I care about you so much, it affects me.
I'm probably overdoing it already, so I'm trying to hide how much I really care for you, and especially the way I feel about you.
People around us can tell, how much I care, and suspect how I feel.
Its a dangerous game I'm playing here, cause now is so not the time to tell you anything about this.
This friendship, everything we've talked about, will just go down the drain if word gets out.
And I don't want to lose you.
Now, here's the shit that bothers me.
I feel that I'm second place to him, which I probably am.
I know that there's no way you'll put me before him on a normal basis, its never gonna happen.
I get damn sian when we arrange to meet sometimes, and then suddenly you have plans with him, and then where does that leave me?
Alone again I guess.
I can't stand it when you say you'll get back to me, and I like wait the whole damn day for you to get back to me, and when I finally hear from you, its cause he has other plans on so now you call me when you've got time to meet me.
I hate how when he asks you to do something, you'll just drop everything, and go look for him.
Leaving me where? Alone again, waiting for you again.
And when you're in a rut, I drop everything that I'm doing just to spend time with you, only to find out that, oh, he's coming to meet you.
Then where the hell does that leave me? What am I supposed to do, stand around and listen to the two of you talk?
Crap ain't it.
You know why I smoked today? It was because I was damn sian that you were feeling so down, and when you came to sit with me, I didn't know what to do, or what I could/couldn't do to make you feel better.
And when I told you that all I can do is be there for you, you said that you didn't expect anything more.
Thing is, I expect more from myself, but I can't possibly let myself go and just tell you everything and why I care so much bout you.
This whole situation is frustrating me to no end.
The reason I want you and him to get together asap, is so that I will close the door on any chance that I think I may have with you.
Then it'll make it so much easier not to think about you, and wonder if your latest argument with him will be your last.
Ohyeah, I hate not being able to tell you all this, I hate having to put on a smile and try to make it seem that I'm okay, when in actual fact I'm not.
I hate how you can see through my mask sometimes, its a damn shame I can't act.
I think that I should meet you less, or at least take less initiative to arrange meetups.
I want to tell you this, but I don't know how to without hurting you.
And if I don't say anything but just slowly let myself drift away, I'm sure you'll notice, and you'll start thinking that maybe its something you did or said.
I just don't want you to be sad, but I know I cannot get too attached to you either.
My heart just would not be able to take it.
You know everytime something happens with you and him, the douche part of me silently hopes that it would end, that you'd give up on him.
That part of me would just die later on, when he shows up and everything's fine, or when we help the two of you to clear things up.
I think that when you ask me what's wrong, and you ask me to please talk to you about it, that you would never suspect, in a million years, that the problem would be me liking you.
In a way, helping you and him out is a damn good cover.
But this has to stop, I have to stop.
How do I stop though?

Its 4.28am in the morning, I'm exhausted, but I don't really wanna go to sleep.
Fuck, this is damn frustrating.

And the time you said that this is forever..