Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Its been 10 days since I last blogged.
(Note: The blacked out portion below is something I wrote for my eyes only.)
Went to school the whole of last week. (Praise please)
Monday and Tuesday were spent in school and doing UTs after school before heading home to stick my feet up and read some Sherrilyn Kenyon.
Wednesday had FYP early early at 9am.
But as usual, Fiona was late so Kalai and I had Macs for breakfast before heading for FYP.
I left my laptop at Macs by accident so we had to go back to get my laptop before heading to school.
Silly silly me.
FYPed till 11+ only then Kalai left.
Fiona was hungry so I ate lunch with her in school.
Then Kwei Lin came and we discussed the possibility of going drinking.
It was cool with me until they started talking about inviting their friends along, friends I didn't really know at all.
Then I started getting uncomfortable and having second thoughts.
Headed home to sleep in the afternoon then met MIN and LYN for pizza hut dinner.
Man I miss those two bitches.
Talked a bit about maple and I'm surprised that they dunno what happened to make me quit it.
Emo topics aside, it was really really really good to meet them again.
Thursday was Analytical class.
Lab lesson.
Damn I hate my faci.
And I think she has something against me too.
She keeps criticizing whatever I do, always trying to find fault.
I damn near threw the heavy motar and pounder at her for being a bitch.
Friday was fun, Bioprospecting.
Had FYP lab during lunchbreak so didn't eat.
But Dr Tan was super nice that day, treated us to Pizza Hut in gratitude for us helping her out the previous week on camera.
Pizza and Coke and Pepsi while we presented.
Shiokness!
Saturday, met Danny and the rest in the late afternoon.
They were just finishing off their sushi buffet neat City Hall.
After that we went to the mrt station and literally stood around trying to decide what to do.
We ended up taking a train down to Vivo to send Danny off to work.
Strolled around Vivo, visited Candy Empire, went to Toys'R'Us, realised Sara was afraid of Barney, saw the damn big Christmas tree on the roof of Vivo, watced a really cool acrobatics/vocal show, visited the puppies at Pet Safari, played some arcade games and saw a gang fight take place.
Then Gigi, Daniel, Sara, Xin, Fen and Str took the train towards Boon Lay while the rest went home.
Gigi, Daniel, Sara and I dropped off at Queenstown mrt to wait for uncle Southernsun to pick us up to go for supper.
Then we drove down to IRC to pick Linda and another friend(Wayne I think) up.
Turns out that SS's car didn't have enough space so Linda, Sara and I shared a cab to Linda's place at Bedok while the guys took the car to Bedok 85 for dinner.
Linda made them ta pao to her place.
So the 3 of us waited and watched a movie before they came.
The beef noodles were damn bloody good man.
After that they played mahjong, Wayne was teaching but I lost interest halfway.
Ended up logging into maple and chatting with my guildies and Lyn and Min who came to look for me.
They called it quits close to 3am and SS sent Gigi, Sara, me and Daniel home, in that order.
Sunday
I slept in, was really beat and sore when I got up.
Stayed home to slack.
Even though I slept at 10pm on Sunday evening, I couldn't get up for school on Monday.
So let my aching body take a break and I only went for the UT after school.
Yesterday, Tuesday
Leonard and I smoked our way through class wahhaha.
UT after school then went to Woodlands library.
I found two Sherrilyn Kenyon books!
Finished one last night, one more to finish before Sunday.
Today,
Was supposed to have some sort of briefing for Saturday's Open House thingy but I decided to give it a miss cause I doubted that I would actually go for Open House on Saturday with my FYP report not done and all.
Sara was online when I woke up and we made plans to have dinner to celebrate her newfound 'freedom'.
For some strange reason, I logged into maple in the afternoon while my sister was having tuition.
I didn't pm anyone or look for anyone when I logged in.
Chatted with my guildies and Bang Yong and I decided to do recruiting since I had A-Cash to spare.
So I megaed and I got spammed, by both people looking for guilds and old friends who didn't know I was online.
Vonnie was the first one who came and looked for me.
Coke was next.
Vonnie was very kancheong when she came.
She told me "We need to talk"
I assumed it was something that she needed help with, but how wrong I was.
I partied her and cc-ed when I was done with the recruiting.
It turns out that Rae asked Von in Malay in their guild chat, why I didn't go look for her(Rae) when I was online.
Needless to say I was shocked and stunned by that question.
I mean, I didn't know it was compulsory for me to look for Rae when I logged into maple, and its not like I do it often too anyway.
Vonnie seemed abit hurt that I didn't look for her(maybe I'm wrong), asking me how many other times I had logged in without telling anyone.
I told her the truth, 3-4 times before in 6 months.
We chatted in party and she mentioned that she hated that humjikia.
*Shrugs*
Anyway, Vonnie was asking me to go do 4th job and I told her about the final promise that I made to Rae as her boyfriend, to visit Leafre with her when it came out.
Suddenly she said that Rae was in the channel that we were in and coming.
Vonnie asked if I was okay, in actual fact, I think I was shivering, and it wasn't just cause of the cold weather.
So Rae came with XY in tow.
I didn't really say much cause I was lagging and it was uncomfortable.
Vonnie asked if I was okay again then I told her that it was weird.
Surprise surprise, Vonnie said that Rae told her that it was awkward.
You could just imagine my disbelief when I heard that.
After a bit of random chatting with everyone present, Rae mentioned about wanting to bring me to explore the new maps.
Bloody hell, I was so shocked that I cap-ed in party chat, "VONNIE DID YOU TELL HER?"
Von said no, and I trust Von.
Cheeken.. I was so bloody stunned that Rae read my mind.
I didn't reply Rae when she asked me if I would be online long cause I lagged and I really didn't know what to say.
After the lag I continued chatting like nothing happened.
Then after awhile she said I didn't answer her question so I asked her to repeat it, explaining that I had lagged.
Then she asked me if I would be online long, I said I didn't know.
Vonnie was asking me if I would move on if I had fulfilled that final promise.
I said I didn't know.
Made some excuse and went to get ready and change.
Von was like "*peeps*" and shockingly, Rae said that too.
Chatted a bit more when I got back, tried to decide what t-shirt to wear, then Rae was like, "no need shirt lah".
o_o Oh my god.
After that, chatted a bit more with everyone then OS was asking why I kept hanging on the ladder, and I replied, "shy" "cause so many people came to stalk me" "*blushes*".
Then Rae said something about not wanting to be labeled a stalker so she was gonna go elsewhere to slack.
I didn't stop her or say anything.
I tracked her and she went to Fm enterence.
So I talked a bit more with the rest and when I decided I wanted to go off, I pmed Vonnie and asked her if I should go look for Rae to say goodbye.
She said okay so I went.
Found her at the other end of the Fm room we were in and I sat beside her.
Told her I was going off then she was like, "so fast go le?"
I said that I didn't expect to stay online this long.
Then Rae said something about not going to jalan jalan already and she said something about asking me if I remembered old times when we went exploring.
I said that it was in the past when she was halfway through talking about the promise that we made to explore the new maps together.
That sentence made my jaw bloody drop.
How the hell does she do that?
Its almost as if she's really reading my bloody mind.
I mean, she did it when we were together but now its different and I'm amazed how she can still read my mind like an open book.
Then she apologised for bringing up the past and me being such a sucker, didn't completely turn her down on her invitation to go touring.
I just said that we'll just see how it goes.
Through the time I was online in Maple, Rae mentioned bringing me to go explore new maps at least 3 or 4 times lah.. To me and to friends.
Why's she so bent on bringing me around? Its confusing. =/
After that I said cya and went off to meet Sara, Xin, Gigi and Jolvin at Bedok interchange.
I was an hour late.
Smsed Vonnie along the way to tell her what happened.
Bloody stunned still.
Emoed abit on the bus.
When I was en route, Gigi called and said they wanted to go Tampines instead.
Met up with them at Bedok and went to the library to find my Sherrilyn Kenyon book, but they didn't have it. :(
Then we took a train to Tampines and walked around waiting for Sue to come so we could have dinner.
Sara lost her card to the UOB atm machine cause she forgot her PIN number lol.
Ate KFC then went to walk around cause Sara wanted to get shorts still.
Went to the arcade and played some games and yelled quite a bit.
Then we headed to Toys'R'Us where we found out that the Spiderman plushies were very flexible.. In a perverted way.
After laughing our asses off, we went our seperate ways.
Came home, showered and blasted rock in my ears.
No lovey dovey I-miss-you-I-can't-live-without-you-I-want-you-back music for me tonight.
Not after what I went through today.
You have no idea how hard it is to bare your soul to one person, and have him or her rub your face in the dirt, but you still love them anyway, but at the same time, you can't stand him or her, wishing that they'd get the hell out of your life, and yet, knowing that you will miss them every day that they are not around. Its hellish to wage a war with yourself, a war in which the victory is waaaay out of reach, so whatever you do, you still lose. Part of you misses that someone so much, and another part of you knows that you can't trust yourself to be around that someone, cause of the chance that you will just fall head over heels back into the mess that you just managed to get yourself out off.
What the hell am I gonna do?
A part of me really wants to go back to maple.
I miss all my buddies and hell, I even miss training and doing rubbish with friends.
But another part of me reasons that I will just get myself stuck in the virtual world and neglect my reality once again.
I don't wanna hurt my friends and family again.
Fuck it man.
What the hell do you do when you can't trust both your heart and your head?
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens.
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins.
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me.
I know you well enough to know you never loved me.
(Why can't I feel anything from anyone other than you?)
Hoping for the best just hoping nothing happens.
A thousand clever lines unread on clever napkins.
I will never ask if you don't ever tell me.
I know you well enough to know...
And all of this was all your fault.
And all of this...
I stay wrecked and jealous for this,
For this simple reason,
I just need to keep you in mind,
As something larger than life.
And the time you said that this is forever..
